Ruthanna Emrys's Journal

I had my first counseling appointment today, which seemed to go well, and will hopefully help me deal with the various sorts of stress I'm now facing. Speaking of stress, yesterday I made a reservation to see my parents on June 3 - June 7, which pleases me not at all, but seems useful for keeping the peace. I'm considering skipping GenCon this year simply so that I don't have to visit them again.

In happier news, when I was walking to the bus stop, I saw someone walk by with an awesome t-shirt that said "My pronouns haven't even been invented yet", which made me happy and seemed a good omen for the day. I got home and googled that phrase, and found the above link to buy the t-shirt, along with that fact that it's by genderqueer activist, poet, and spoken word artist Andrea Gibson, who I'd never previously heard of before, but looks to write very shiny stuff.

Here's a spoken word piece of their's that I found quite powerful:
Also, in honor of national poetry month, here's one I found online that I quite liked.
( click here for poem )

I haven't been awake that long, but things are definitely looking up. I woke up after 4 hours of sleep, but managed to get back to sleep for a total of almost 7 - I'll see if I can manage to get to sleep earlier tonight, but definitely a step in the right direction. Then, my email contained a note about my book out for approvals:

"A few more small comments, but consider this approved!"

So, that's a vast load off my mind.

Then my mom called, which filled me with terror and anxiety. She was in tears, and apologized profusely - I think this makes something like the 4th or 5th time in my entire life she has apologized to me. She wants me to come out on June 3 - June 7, which I'm not eager for at all, but I'll do it. It's troubling and strange to realize that because she's entirely alone (my parents have no local friends and both are only children, so they also have no other remotely close relatives), that she can no longer afford to abuse me w/o consequences.

Also, I just called back the counselor that left me a voice mail on Friday, and I have an appointment tomorrow at 11 am - it's a bit early for me, but I'll schedule the others later.

Hopefully, the day will continue well.

I’m so tired I’m slightly dizzy. On Friday, I made my plane tickets to see my parents from June 3 - June 7, amidst conflicting messages from my mother about how I needed to come visit, but that coming to visit that far after my dad’s birthday (May 11) was completely unacceptable, and I should visit earlier. I didn’t mention teaotter and I visiting our dear friends in Oakland from May 16-22, and I will need to lie about this during my daily phone calls to my mom then, because that wouldn’t serve as an excuse, but simply as another reason to attack me, just as she had attacked me for wanting to spend the time around Mother’s Day with teaotter due to her mother dying last year at that time.

In any case, early Friday evening, I was just about to call my mom back and ask her straight out if I should cancel the tickets, and just before I picked up my phone, she called me and complained more about the tickets, so I cancelled them (in time for a full refund, yay). I have no idea when I’ll be visiting either around then or in August, since one of my mom’s threats was saying that I couldn’t come out in August if I didn’t visit in May, meaning I’d need to foot plane flight to GenCon myself, rather than flying to see them and then flying to GenCon and heading home. Flying from Portland to Indianapolis rather a lot of money for me - more than I can currently afford. At this point, I think I’m willing to miss GenCon. I have friends that I like among the various gaming industry people, and I get work there, but I get work in other ways too, and I’m simply not sure that going it worth the emotional stress with my parents, unless that’s the only visit I do this Summer. OTOH, that may work, we shall see.

In any case, I was a complete mess on Saturday, and my awesome partner amberite figured out that handling stuff with my parents, and the fact that I effectively have a separate persona/interaction mode for dealing with them, that had been getting increasingly frantic was the reason I was so messed up. That provided me with much needed clarity.

Then, today, I went over to see my amazing new friend alatefeline, and kept them company as they cleaned and organized their space. After that, I talked about my parents with them, and they were utterly drop dead amazing at providing insights and most of all, much needed comfort. It was a lovely and wonderful visit, and then the two of us went out for ice cream with amberite, which was also wonderful. teaotter was writing fanfic and has been erratic in a variety of ways trying to get her supplements to all function together, and seemed slightly better tonight, but also far from full functionality, which is stressful to her, me, and amberite. Among other things, alatefeline helped me realize that while if my parents weren't rich, and thus an upcoming source of money needed money, I'd cease letting my mom try to control me, and I'd also only call every few weeks and would visit a Christmas and no other time, but that I wouldn't cut them out of my lives, which is not a comfortable thing to realize about abusive parents, but is very useful to know.

I often think of myself as rather morally "flexible", I know that the rules that I live by are rather eccentric, and I often do not consider myself a good person, but after that conversation with alatefeline, I wonder if I actually am.

In any case, I got home many hours ago, and have done little, until recently when I realized exactly how exhausted I am, which I hope is a good sign. My mom has been exceedingly vicious for more than a week, and during that time I haven’t managed to sleep more than 5 ½-6 ½ hours a night – regardless of when I go to bed, I wake up that many hours later and can’t get back to sleep, along with having something resembling hot flashes when I wake up (many medical tests, combined with observation clearly showed there’s nothing going on with me except stress). Both of these serious stress symptoms that first showed up more than a year ago, after I became exceptionally upset about our semi-nazi government, and they got worse whenever I visited my parents and when Becca’s mom died and Becca went to the funeral.

In any case, what was different this time was something I haven’t had for well more than a decade – before now, I wasn’t tired despite not having nearly enough sleep for more than a week. I didn’t feel good, but I felt completely alert, and that’s over. Between help and comfort from amberite and alatefeline, I’m at long last completely exhausted (or am at least aware of this fact). I’m a bit scared to get to sleep because I worry about waking up too soon again, despite what I’ve been taking to help me stay asleep, and I’m also deeply troubled that I need to talk to my mom again tomorrow, but I’m also taking my tiredness as a very good sign indeed.

On the positive side, I’ve been looking for a counselor, and after several places having no openings or no opening for someone taking my insurance, I finally got a call back on Saturday, to call someone tomorrow to set up an appointment, so that makes me nervous too, but it’s also a very good thing (I hope).

Also, not only is one book back for approvals again (crosses fingers), but I also both got my writing on my current project done for this week, as well as ¼ of my writing on that books done for next week, so I’m close to finished, and don’t need to work very hard next week. One ability I’m deeply thankful I possess is the ability to turn extreme stress into solid productivity – I don’t end up any less stressed, but I do at least get necessary things done. In the coming week, I shall work and read novels next week, and attempt to relax.